The Super Sneeze
by BlueSpiritFire1
Summary: What happens when Seras gets a cold? Well... lets just say it's not pretty. No pairings, just some humour.


Had this one sitting in the 'vault' for a while and after a re-read i thought i should put it up. Although it's my first published Hellsing fic, i've got a few more in the works.

Hope you all enjoy and have a giggle!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hellsing or any of it's characters!

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><p><strong><span>The Super-Sneeze<span>**

She hadn't noticed it at first. It came over her gradually, as these things often do, catching the victim unawares, unable to do anything to stop it until it's too late. Her eyes were closed as she lay in her earth-filled coffin, which she still thought was rather morbid. Suddenly a loud, rock-splitting sneeze ripped through the Hellsing mansion, making everyone leap onto the nearest person. Unfortunately for Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, she was the one nearest to Alucard. She had no warning as the Nosferatu threw himself into her arms, eyes wide with fear. Naturally, unable to support such a suddenly weight, Integra collapsed to the floor, Alucard perched neatly atop her. He looked around in fright.

"What was _that_?" he whispered, half in fear.

"It seems-" Integra tried to say before pushing the vampire off her and to the floor with a loud thump. He glared at her half-heartedly as she stood, straightening her suit. "It seems Seras has caught a cold." She said simply, lighting a cigarillo. Alucard looked at her furiously.

"What are you on about? Vampires don't catch _colds_!" he growled.

"You may be the first Nosferatu, but that doesn't mean you know everything. There have been reports of vampires with an illness that resembles the common human cold greatly, but had mutated to suit the cell structure of a vampire." Alucard, still on the floor, slumped, his head resting on his upturned palms wearily.

"How do we cure it?"

"Unfortunately, there is no known cure, however, it will go away in its own time." Integra said assuredly, lighting a cigarillo.

**-3 Weeks later-**

Another mega-sneeze tore through the air, shaking the Hellsing mansion to its foundations. Integra, Alucard and Walter were all in the garden, the only place where they wouldn't feel the shockwaves...too much

"You said it would go away!" Alucard accused furiously.

"I thought it would!" Integra responded, shouting over the cotton wool in their ears. Before long accusations were being hurled back and forth. Walter stood to the side, head lowered in defeat.

"AHEM!" Someone shouted. Alucard and Integra look toward the noise-maker angrily, but soon their fury melting into surprise. Before them stood Seras, dressed messily in her yellow uniform, her Harkonnen at her side. Her nose was red and her eyes were too. She couldn't stop sniffling and she was slightly unsteady.

"Sir, I know I'm not well, but we have a situation." She said, sniffing.

"A situation?"

"Yes ma'am." Walter said suddenly, speaking up. "I was trying to tell you that Anderson's been spotted out West." Suddenly both Alucard and Integra looked exhausted.

"Not him! Not NOW. That's all we need!"

"I swear, I'm going to wring that bastard's neck!" Integra growled venomously. They all looked at her in shock.

"S-Sir?" Seras stammered, almost dropping her Harkonnen. Integra looked slightly embarrassed.

"Er...I mean get him out of England! He has no reason to be here!"

"Yes Sir!" Seras said, trying her best to look like a soldier and not a sick creature.

"Ah...Ah...AHH...AAA-" The three of them looked in horror at Seras.

"Run!" Walter screamed, diving for a row of hedges. Alucard grabbed Integra and leapt out of the firing line.

**"AAACHOOOOOOOOOO!"**

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><p>Nothing better to calm his nerves than a day in the park, killing FREAKs. He really did enjoy his work. Suddenly he felt that aura he hated so much, that dark, malicious trail left behind by the Hellsing Pet. However, before he could hear, see or even smell Alucard (he had this strange scent of death and wine), some great force flattened a whole row of trees in one blow, only the wind remaining. Anderson leapt back, bayonets in hand.<p>

"What the bloody hell was_ that_?" He whispered in terror. His ears picked up the sound of the Draculina's voice. It sounded...nasally and congested. But that couldn't be right...could it?

"Sorry Master. I didn't think it could get this bad." Suddenly the two vampires came into view. Neither looked normal. Alucard's face was gaunt and tired, his shoulders drooped, cotton wool in his ears. Seras' nose and eyes were red. She looked puffy and tired and she kept sniffling every few seconds.

"What...What the hell happened to you two?" He asked, quite bewildered, forgetting all about the fact that he was meant to be fighting these undead Protestants. Alucard only pointed to the smaller vampires. She chuckled meekly before her shoulders fell.

"I have a cold." She said sadly.

"If you want to live to see the next day, you would be wise to duck when she sneezes." Alucard said dryly.

Anderson looked at the flattened trees.

Alucard nodded.

Anderson looked truly scared.

"But...vampires don't _get_ sick!"

"That's what I said!" Alucard shouted angrily. "But noooo! Apparently there's a special vampire cold strain!" He growled, throwing his hands up.

"I said I'm sorry! I really am! This isn't exactly a ball of fun for me either! I'm coughing up mucus every few minutes, it's gross!" She turned weakly to Anderson. "Look, we're _really_ not in the mood to fight you today. Can we postpone this till I get better?" She asked.

"W...What? Postpone? Look, do you think I just make dates in a dairy for when we battle?"

"Well, no, but just once? Look at us, you wouldn't be fighting much." She sniffed. Alucard was leaning on a tree, half asleep. As Anderson was mulling this over, Seras' nose began to itch.

"Oh crap. Alucard, one's coming! R-Run guys!" she shouted trying to hold her mega sneeze in. Alucard immediately sprang into full alertness and bounded out of sight, leaving Anderson to face the death-sneeze alone.

**"A-A-Ahhh-AHHCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

The world seemed to be still for a moment. Anderson's eyes widened as the death-blast sped toward him. He didn't even have time to scream as it ploughed into him, barrelling him through the foliage and out of sight. Seras flew back and landed on the floor, on her back. For several minutes she lay there, trying to comprehend what was different. She breathed in through her nose. She could breathe easily. Her eyes were no longer sore and her nose wasn't itchy. She felt normal.

Seras leaped up and whooped for joy. "I'm sick free! I'M SICK FREE!" she shouted spinning around happily. "THANK YOU ANDERSON!" she bellowed down the track of destroyed greenery where the priest had disappeared. Somehow, he'd been the trigger to get rid of her cold. Seras merrily danced though the park and back to Hellsing, ready to spread the good news that her cold had gone.

The Vatican, however, had no such luck with their case of the Super Sneeze.

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><p><strong>Haha, I know it was short, but i had fun writing it ^^ <strong>

**Anderson got the cold because, like them, he's not human. It's basically a supernatural cold. Alucard didn't get it cuz he's special! :D  
><strong>

**Please review cuz they're greatly appreciated, and we wouldn't want Anderson to come and sneeze on you, would we? *insert malicious grin***

**Anderson: Please, PLEASE get rid of this cold!**

**Me: Hmm...maybe later**

**Anderson: D8 You...you...you meanie!**

**Me: Touché  
><strong>


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